One of my intentions at the beginning of this year was to learn how to slow down and live more in the present. I had just quit a highly toxic job which had taken a toll on my mental and physical health and I knew that if I was to recover fully, I had to take things slow. At the same time, I had to focus on running an independent production house that my creative partner and I had begun. Luckily, with self-employment I was able to design a routine that works for me. I also took up meditation, yoga and afternoon naps which are very helpful. I felt like I was getting a hang of things until the lockdown happened.
Not only has my daily routine gone out the window, (thanks to the endless house parties and fellowships by my neighbours), my sleep pattern has been disrupted; the creative blocks and procrastination have intensified. If I want to get anything done, I have to look out for pockets of peace and quiet during the day or late at night. The other ways in which I break the monotony of working from home have also been affected. Usually when I’m not at home writing or editing, I am out filming or occasionally deejay-ing at an event, which I am now unable to do that since the events were canceled.
Fortunately there is the option of sharing DJ mixes online or performing on Instagram and Facebook live like many other deejays are doing. Still, I am opting out of that for now because I’m not in that headspace. I’m learning that I don’t have to do everything, especially during this time. This is not easy for me. Like most people I was raised to believe that my worth is tied to my productivity and I’m doing a lot of unlearning on that. Before this lockdown, I was in the middle of a few passion projects that I initially felt the pressure to put out because everyone seemed to be doing something major.
Now I’ve decided to take more time with them and when I’m done, maybe I will share them. I also have been reminded to create for myself first, and at my own pace – with or without an audience. More importantly, I’m using this time to try and be okay with just being. To allow myself feel what I’m feeling. Good or not. I feel like the universe is giving me exactly what I asked for at the beginning of the year and is daring me to take it. To be here, present. To feel and be enough, even amidst the chaos. I hope I remember to do just that.